Monday, December 21, 2009


So i decided to start a blog after a confusing day. I started blogs before but I would stop writing on them because I got lazy. However I decided to start again and hopefully I don't stop. A friend of mine told me to use blogger and so hopefully its better than blogspot :)

I shouldn't really be writing here, I should be writing my AP literature paper and doing my homework but sometimes I need some personal time to do what I enjoy or I'll simply explode.  But even when I do explode inside, I put on a smile and nobody knows... I think the fake smile is what truly kills me inside. The inability to express my true feelings. But I know I am not the only one. I believe other people, especially other guys bottle up their emotions inside of them. The reason is because of the idea that to be manly, one never shows their emotions. I think this is a horrible way to think because everyone should open up and free their emotions, but its harder said than done.

Christmas is coming up, and the break is coming in 2 days. I'm happy for the break and I'm glad for the rest. As a senior headed to college, theres still a lot I want to do before I graduate. Even though I'm happy for the break, its a sign that its almost a new year and I'm graduating soon.. The thought sort of scares me and makes me question myself. Am I making the best of my senior year? Theres still a lot of stuff I want to do. I don't really want to waste my time after school. This thought has been bothering me all weekend. Theres still a lot of stuff in school I haven't experienced. Theres some clubs in school that I wanted to join since freshmen year. There was a club I wanted to go to today but I couldn't due to my responsibilities as president of BTHSnews. Responsibilities... responsibilities... responsibilities... sometimes I wish I had none.

But sometimes I wish i had more. Sometimes I miss the internship I had before, when I was always on the go and I felt as if I had somewhere to go and something to do. But when I did have something to do, I also wished I didn't have anything to do. Its a strange thing... when we want something so badly, we crave it and we do anything for it. But once we get it, the fire dies inside of us and we no longer have the same feeling towards it.

Same for some lovers I assume? The fire is buring hot at the first site for the lovers but it wanes and dies over time.

While I think of the stuff I missed in school, and all the stuff I wanted to do, I realized that I was missing something in my own life.

I felt as if there was a hole in my life, a hole that needed to be filled.

But I don't know what it is, what is it I really need.

Maybe my friend Sydul answered it for me. Perhaps its religion?
I've been a atheist ever since I was little, it wasn't a choice anyone forced on to me, it was a personal choice I made after spending 6 years in Catholic school. I got sick of religion and reading it day after day. But perhaps this is a unreasonable reason to stop believing.

My friend Sydul today told me to consider Islam, but he wasn't trying to convert me, he was simply making me consider it. He told me to choose the right religion for me through a logical way. He didn't impose anything on me. But his reasoning for believing in religion was that he believed that the universe was started by the Big Bang and that the Big Bang originated from something. He believes what caused the Big Bang is God. He envisions our universe as sphere where God holds the spheres in His hands.How else is everything created? How can the environment for the Earth be so perfect for humans? It seems surreal that everything seem to go so perfectly for life on Earth. God must be the reason?

I don't know. I stopped believing in any form of gods or God a few years ago. I stopped asking about if there was a Heaven or Hell. But it is Human nature to wish or hope that there is a Heaven or even Hell after death. The question of life after death, be it a death from the Dualist view or physicalist view, has been a problem for philosophers and people for ages. But for those who believe in God, the answer is simple, Yes there is a life after death. It is something that those who believe in God do not have to worry about, but something we athiest do, it is something certain Philosophers have to worry about.

Maybe it is religion that is missing from my life? Or perhaps its something else.
Maybe its a sign from God that I need to believe before I am too late. Or is it just in my head?
Maybe its the torment of not knowing what happens that is killing me.
Is it the comfort I seek in religion and life after death that has called me back into questioning myself about religion again?

I wish I knew.


  1. it's that same question: what is the meaning of life?

    having a purpose makes us happier. decide what works for you best. and don't stress over what happens in the end because what effect should that have on your life?

    live it out :)

  2. you should definetly come to Seekers.
    our name "seekers" literally means we are seeking God. you should come to try it out. i can tell you loadsss more about this kinda stuff if u wanna talk. :) it's never too late for anything.

  3. Thank youu Patricia, I appreciate it! and Yes I will!